Life Itself Is Just Another Phase…. To Live With

Both elements of hot and cold destroys fast. Alone they destroy slower. Working together completes the cycle of destruction with much effect.

Applying it to a glass whereby it would probably take 15 minutes or less to crack the glass with just hot temperature. Same goes with the element of the cold temperature. The expansion destroys and so does the shrinking of mediums. Put a cup in hot water and mix it with cold water imeediately cracks it within seconds.

What i am trying to say that the same treatment to the human spirit destroys as much as well. Be nice and then screwed up then nice and screwed up once more to a certain individual can really screw a person’s mind very well. Break his soul it can.

Life is full of people like this and t scares the hell out of me. Wish i could spray all of them away with an uzi gun. Wheres the damn sincerity people? Sometimes i ever wonder when they say they are not being able to talk or that they are eating alone or anything else, is it actually believable…..??? 

Tried to say sorry. tried to talk. And yet misinterpreted. Said that i was blaming. I never once blamed. Never once…

What was there for me to blame? Nothing. Always told me that ure going to call me back later. Never did blame u even though u did not. Who is running? Me? You? Us?

Spare tyres are items i dislike. I dont want to be one. No one does. Do u? Above all the portrayed anger lies the weeping kid. There never was anger only hope of healing. These portrayel of something which is not leads on to something new..most of the time something worse. I portrayed anger which i did not and i got the answer of being angry. I only portrayed concern to reconcile. Its my word againts yours.

Ive decided to run. No point in braving the coldness of winter hoping summer would come sooner. Summer aint coming. Its winter all the way now boy. So run Gene! Run… till.. u…i..cant run no more. That is when it ends.

Bye to my world i love. I will miss you. But i have to run now. Run away from all the portrayed anger which was misinterpreted, run from the world which i thought that i belong in, run from the ghosts of myself…run from reality.

My feet are lifting up from the strong foundation i have braved on for 3 years. Its beginning to give way to the cold. Its beggining to give way to the sharp spears of ice. No more warmth left to hang on…

Its time to say goodbye to my foundation of trust, believe and love. Bye my dear foundation. Bye…

Even wondered what goes through the mind of a hawker? How about the mind of an illegal (legal goods but no permit to sell) hawker just wanting to make a living?

There are countless fears for them from every angle. The law enforcement, underground triads, suppliers, customers and health are just parts of the problem that i can see from my eyes for them. When most of us are probably concern with how are we to climb the ladder in the corporate world or expansion of the business, nothing is really compared to the basic problems of an illegal hawker..survival problems.

The small store that they sell on would be thier living bowl rice in cantones called "fan woon" . Its just that store. They have to protect it from being towed by the law enforcements. They have to protect the stalls from the wheather. And probably pay off some triads just to make business there. And how much does a hawker actually charge the public for its goods? How much do they make?

Some make it big. Some owns Mercedes Benz. Those are the ones that had to strive day and night with their stalls 7 days a week. Health would definately be in dangers way.  It seems to be a lose and lose game for them.

There was a deaf man selling pohpiah on a pavement in Kuala Lumpur. i witness him gettin his saman from the law enforcements. His day was over. AFter receiving the saman ticket, he had to stay back to sell mre pohpiahs just to cover for the saman. He was not young either. ABout the age of 60. And he worked alone. I sympathize him. There was nothing much i could do as it would be againts the law. But he was just trying to make a decent living..a living without robbing, stealing or a living without depending on the wellfare’s funds. Imagine a pohpiah being sold for RM 1.20  and he got a big fat saman for RM 800 or so. Do the Math…

what more of the other threats that are there. He held on for the past 30 years or so. This are the people i respect and i put them at the same level as any top CEO. This is the true spirit of survival. Old,deaf,healt endangered…but yet working himself to death just to meet months end.

This are the people who should deserve more help than those who begs with a full able body.

Life was never fair the start with but these are the people who exists to make other observers better people. Cheers to them! They play a very important part in the world.

hmm suddenly i felt the urge to write a story that holds no meaning towards victims of these kinds. Here goes…

The world started spinning round faster. Nothing changed much actually. Just a simple trickle of the water caused a wave across the calm water. Was it that difficult to decipher his question? Was he not showing enough or doing enough? Or did he overdo it? but he wouldnt know would he when nothing was informed to him. Most of the time, he gets a simple and yet twisted "Nothing is wrong". Now everything was wrong, the way thought, the way he acted and the way he is. Being the most thickskin dude of that period he always put aside all his friends remarkes such as " eh dude, stop being dumb mah, leave it alone" or " look for something else, not worth it man" or even "ure the dumbest person i have known".

that didnt really matter much to him as he thought " heck wat everyone says, i want to believe wat i want to believe" . righto….

everything went well for his few months then POOOOSSHHHH!!!!!!! things were in mythic silence. less words, less replys, till it came to nothing at all. with the shock and concern of his life, he questions the answers that were given. everything changed but nothnig is wrong ? so y change?

his mind became a rapid dogs thinking why why why? silence was still maintained then.

months passed. conversations passed. the y question was still there. he had enough of his own y’s. the silence has to be broken. it should be now.

he asked, " y speak so few and even call less?" . apparently social recluse-ness was the problem.but hey things were never like this b4, things must have happned to be like this now. he knew that, everyone knew that.

when queried about it again, his world stopped spining as before but instead shattered all around him. his physic was still intact but his soul became lost. a reply of "the reason being the influence of my parents. it’s bound to happen.sorry im not the person you thought i was" brought him back to the very past that he never wanted to be in ever.but he was there again.live revisited…

he never wanted it to be like this.just when he needed her the most, she leaves and stabs him.just when things around him was crashing down she leaves and stabs him in the heart. just when he was in one of the most lonely times of his life, she leaves without hesitation to complete the total destruction of his time.didnt he do enough to maintain it? he would never stop asking that question for the rest of his pitiful life…a life he would have to live in horror and pain..and she wouldnt even noe it.

I am a walking time bomb. i will explode at any time and thus destroying myself forever.

wat kind of gibberish am i blogging about? i was just thinking about my physical health..omg how eventful it is.of course not as eventful as alot more but eventful enough to know that i could die any time with a higher rate than most out there. the hospital bed has always welcomed me into their space and i have always treated it as one of my homes.

at the age of 1 or less, i visited the hospital for stitches on my forehead.apparently someone dropped me from the stairs and my head just cracked.the doctor stitched me up real good though.i never really knew what happened..

at the age of 5, i had to undergo a ear surgery bcuz i was found deaf. why was i deaf? dont really know as well.apparently of the deformation of my ear canal that caused me to have really blocked ears.deaf i was for a month.agonizing pain for 2 weeks due to the infection…

at the age of 7, it was another hospital trip again. this time my nose was stuck and i could not breath.that time mucus was stuck in my nose and it was so damn thick that air could not go in.the doc said it was probably due to my extra small nose nostrils.i am beggining to think…was i born like an alien added with extra holes on my head to make me fuinction like a human..

then came to throat problem.my throat well …was swelling up with me ears and nose.i had to go for a surgery and woke up 2 weeks later.no one ever knew why i was in a short coma.no will i guess..

recently i was deaf again due to the ear infection that has occured to my left ear. this infection was caused by the mixture of muck (gathered during swiiming in the public pool) and wound (got hit real hard by the basketball the day after swimming.this cause my ear to have a small wound tear in the canal) in the ear.wow..this time my ear canal sweeled up so bad that it closed all passage in to the eardrums.even my eardrums are infected…was deaf for one week and counting..

between all these…i have visited the hospital due to inhaling toxic gas, open wounds that reached my bones (shin area), viral fever (dat was the worse pain ever) and many more things. i am currently having high blood preassure (level 1).damn it! i think id probably have a record in most of the hospitals in KL and PJ and clinics in PJ.

my visitation records to these institutions gives ne a slight hint that i might be a walking time bomb no matter how hard i try to preserve myself.am i going to die early and in agonizing pain? well i will leave that to GOD.

my life has been a great hurdle so far and will be for the few years or so.but i will strive on…and i will survive if GOD is willing.i will not go so easily…

the movie "Constantine" explained that life on earth is full of angels and demons influencing humans on earth. what about quiet sacrificing individuals who does everything for nothing?

like going an extra mile for a single person at the expense of self sacrifices.and the best thing is most of them do not recieve anything back in return for these sacrifices..some not appreaciated and some not ever known.

for instance, A cancelling plans just to do be a favour for B and it turns out that B canceled the plan (favour about to be done by A) without even informing A (ffk or A just got screwed real bad lah),or A sacrifising needy things (e.g. food, time, and lots more) for B to have B’s own needy things. and i believe lots more of variations.

is it actually worht sacrificing? wat is the point if its not appreciated or even noticed? some say that is just worth it maybe for the situation or the person..but actually really is it worth it?

many of us have been these lambs over and over again. some gets noticed and some dont.some are treaed fairly for these deeds and some dont.some would leave a good life and some dont (as they say karma).so y bother??!!! life aint fair and life will always remain a bitch!!

life was never a blast. and it just took another dreadful turn to the biggest crossroad of my life.the crossroad that would decide who and what i will be for the rest of my life.

“Beggers dont have a choice”, quoted my friend. well i just failed my exams the second time.am not proud of it. im as what my friend said - a begger now.should i change course? should i start and endure the working world without a degree? or should i continue to go againts the odds with the University of London programme? what should i do? n to make things much more difficult , i would not have the financial aid to support the course fees that i might change to.

then comes another junction… if i do change course, which course should it be? should it be one that i like (but alas there isnt a slightest chance due to the expensive half a million fees)? or the one taht i can excell in (alas once again for these kind of courses requires me to go overseas)? so, are there any course that provides cheaper course fees with good recognition that does not require one student to go overseas? there is…one…but i have already failed in it. crossroads….crossroads….crossroads of my life.

i have lost my focus since form 5 and now i find it real hard to get it back. i would have definately passed or get an A or 2 if i still had that focus. so am i suppose to gamble with the same course one last time? or should i go for greener and a more comfy pasture? but anything more comfortable will also cost much higher.crossroads…crossroads…crossroads…

am i nopt going to give up just yet. my .life is more than this. i want more. and i now i can handle more. but how? when? where? these are the things that only time can slowly reveal.

i must learn how to focus. i must not give up anymore. i must not be a failure anymore. some chinese dude came up to me and told me once that every man would fall twice in his life before achieving his dreams..have i fallen once already?

GOD has humbled me from my examination marks. i have been drifting away from him.now i noe.

as a failure, things seem very different now. life is not taht simple anymore. i see things in a whole new perspective. everything there is to blame has been blamed. but the thing that has to be blamed the most is myslef.no one else but myslef. i have brought this upon myslef.therefore i shalll bring myslef out of it.

im not going to be a failure for long…

asking questions in this world can bring lots of consequences. some which are good and some not so good. asking questions to know more and also asking questions to care more.or even asking questions for "udang di sebalik batu" reasons or just simply "pat".

what is it that people want? some would require more questions to be asked while some would want more privacy to be given.

has it been a thought whereby ppl are blamed for not asking questions and some blamed for asking too many questions? once again what is it that the ppl want?

is there in a moderation towards asking questions? for example: "how are you? where are you?what is it about? can i know?and etc". most of the time questions just seems to connect with other questions like a hook to a bait.

"pat" ppl are damn shit annoying.caring ppl are not.so how would we know who is "pat" or who is caring? and what is the difference between theese two? is as though both could make any diference (refering to the "pat" and caring ppl who DEFINATELY cant do anything for any of the situations involved).

would some feel that thier privacy is being intruded by caring ppl bcuz of questions? is it right?

the life of individuals and roles being played on earth comes from many different perspectives.some never to be understood by the others.while some meant to be mistaken by everyone else.sincerity is the only thing that draws the line to these things (that is wat i think). find the heart of sincerity and comes along the answers to many questions…

ARGHHH!!! the agony of being sick and yet still having to fulfill the duty of a worker, son and fren to many is just damn pisting off frustrating. a damn sore throat is just pisting off! this aint any ordinary sore throat.this is the worst sore throat i have had in my whole life.DAMn IT! i have lost part of my voice..and i cant eat the good foood Malaysia has to offer me.to make matters worse, i have to sit here inside the office and not do anything about it. its just work work work.thank god im not working as a survey officer at the moment if not i am actually screwed.could not talk to whole morning.another round of ARGHHH!

is it a blessing to be sick or ill? it definately gives a chance to rest our physical body but as well as destroying it. its just so contridicting.i am so contridicting. lol (laughter without laughing…damn throat).what about those who are lying in the hospital bed?or about those who are waiting to meet deaths gates?are those a blessing?taking a person away from the evil world could be a blessing.like they all say "the good die young". just another thought , am i bad if i continue to live a long life?hmm….gibberish thoughts.

so wat do i do now? or the question is wat can i do now? nothing .just plain nothing.is this an equilibrium whereby humans have to go through?equilibrium of being sick and healthy?imagine a world without sickness?no way… then everyone would have to die in a very horrible manner and doctors would …well there wont be doctors.unemployment rate would be higher thus causing the society to face a higher crime rate.but if everyone is healthy, then there shouldnt have crime rate right?crime rate should be low as anyone can do anything to earn money and to protect the money.ARRGHH!!!enough of economics and sociology…

the fact is this, individuals on earth becomes ill for a reason, of many, it is just a cycle of life that builds up stronger antibodies for future illnesses.its great to be sick once in a while but not at the expence of frustration.

there are a few suspicious factors to how i became sick. it could have been the damn haze, the ‘tong poh’ (steaming hot) meat i ate last night, the swimming activity that casued me to suck in more haze on tuesday or the hard cookies which i consumed neverendlessly that has been baked by a great special person.

was just listening to michael buble’s "home".was just thinking about how music has affected my life.the power of music seem to have no bounds.

christian songs keeps me connected with my spiritual self,while meaningful ones like buble’s "home" states endless meanings and fast songs,well its just for fun.

as a music lover, i could not imagine not being able to hum out my frustrations or even sing my joy when ever i want.

music is just another method of human expression.it aint any normal method.it has the power to express human feelings that cant exists in conversations, express emotions without hurdles, and most of all express emotions to others with sincererity.

the power of words have been used by famous ppl to bring them to where they are now.it could also make or break any men. what more if the power of words is combined with the power of music.a power which had been in existence for since the beggining of time.

music has always been a reminder of the past,hope for the future,memories of the hurtful,memories of the joyfull ones as well and creates an identity of events for certain time frames in my life.listening to certain songs could really bring me up or set me down low.could always remind me of the happenings then..

regardless of what the music actually does to individuals,whether it hurts (unforgetable memories) or brings a smile to ones face,it is still a substance that makes humans really humans.changing our emotions,amplifieng our emotions,telling our emotions to the world without any red tape or even just teling another individual how much we really love them is how humans remain subjective which is true humans.

music is a part of us as we are a part of them…